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Ace Ventura: Pet Detective/Transcript
Transcript Heads up! Good defense! Good defense! We're going downtown. Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt! What do you want? HDS, sir. How are you this afternoon? Alrighty. I have a package for you. It sounds broken. Most likely. I'll bet it was something nice. This is an insurance form. If you'll just sign here, here, and here... ...we'll get the rest of the forms to you soon. That's a lovely dog. - Do you mind if I pet him? - I don't give a rat's butt. Oh, brother! That's fine. I can finish the rest. You just have yourself a good day. Take care now. Bye-bye. Excuse me! HDS! HDS! Coming through! Got a package, people! Get away from the door. What's the matter with you? I said, get! Son of a stupid! That was a close one! Unfortunately... ...in every contest there must be a loser. Hungry, fellow? There you go. No problem. It gets flooded. We'll just wait a few seconds. Or we can try it now. Putz! Come on! Get out! Get out! Warning: Psycko are closer than they appear! Give me a push while you're back there. Alrighty, then! It's alive! It's alive! My little baby, come here. You missed Mommy, didn't you? Yes, you did. Did Daddy hurt you? I won't let him. No, I won't. He can keep the big TV, but he's not gonna hurt my baby, no he's not. Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you? A reward would be good. There is some damage to my car, and I had to fill it with premium. Would you like for me to take your pants off instead? Gee! Let me think. Sure. People are real friendly around here. Ventura! Yes, Satan? I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else. Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura. You owe me rent. Mr. Shickadance, I told you, you're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out. Look at that. That's a true albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird... ...you're paid. I heard animals in there. I heard them again this morning, scratching around. I never bring my work home with me. Oh, yeah? What's all this pet food for? Fiber. Wanna take a look inside? Come on! Come on! Go ahead. Snoop around! Well? Are you satisfied? Just don't let me catch you with an animal in here. That's all. All right. Take care, now. Bye-bye, then. Loser! Come to me, jungle friends. Roger, let me ask you one question. How in hell do you lose a 500-pound fish? What? I'm sorry, I was just going to say... ...that it's not a fish. It's a mammal. Thank you, Miss Jacques Cousteau. She didn't mean anything by that. I don't give a good about that fish! Fillet it and fast-food it if you want to! All I give about is winning the Super Bowl! My athletes have got to have their heads in the right place! Roger! You've been in this business a long time. You know how superstitious these players are. I have a quarterback that's put his socks on backwards since high school. I've got a linebacker that hasn't washed his jockey strap in two years... ...because he thinks flies are lucky. I want that fish on that field Super Bowl Sunday. Find the fish... ...or find new jobs! Why did it happen now, two weeks before the Super Bowl? I'll tell you, it's those animal-rights activists! Always out with their signs: "Animals were born free! Stop torturing Snowflake!" That fish lives better than they do. The police are checking into the animal- rights groups. Have they called back? No, but I wanted to tell you, when I lost my Cuddles... ...I hired a pet detective. A what? A pet detective. Thanks, Martha, but we better leave this to professionals. Well, actually, he was quite good. Pet detection is a very involved, highly scientific process. Like a glove! Mr. Ventura here to see you. Thanks, Martha. Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson. Pleasure to meet you. Any trouble getting in? No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle. Security's tight Super Bowl week. Why don't you have a seat? I'll get right to the point. Our mascot was stolen from his tank last night. Are you familiar with Snowflake? Negative. We got him from Miami. He's a rare bottle-nosed dolphin. This is a new trick he was going to do for the halftime show. Let's go. Blue 42, blue 42! Hut, hut! All right! Come on, let's go! Good boy! Would you like an ashtray? I don't smoke. It's a disgusting habit. The police came today. Apparently, the kidnappers came in through the back with a... Four-wheel-drive van, loaded from the rear. Roger, how you holding up? If I'm walking funny it's because I got two dozen reporters up my butt. They've been asking me about Snowflake all morning. Who's he? Roger Podacter, meet Ace Ventura. He's our pet detective. Nice to meet you. You came very highly recommended by Martha Mertz. Martha Mertz? Oh, yeah! Pekingese, lost in Highland Park area. She was half-dead when I found her. Is that the tank? Excuse me. - Cops drain it? - Yes, this morning. If I'm not back in five minutes... ...just wait longer. Captain's log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the nearest decimal point. We've traveled back in time to save an ancient species from annihilation. So far... ...no signs of aquatic life, but I am going to find it. If I have to tear another black hole, I'm going to find it! I've got to, mister! Oh, great! I'll try to head them off. Ace, get out of the tank. I just can't do it, captain! I don't have the power! People! I said, get out of the tank now! For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man! Where's Snowflake? Snowflake is not available right now. Roger, I've been waiting all day. I got to get a shot of his new trick! What, is he sick? People, people! Lassie must be missing. Make any good collars lately? Or were they leashes? Homicide, Ventura. How are you gonna solve that one? Good question, Aguado! First, I'd establish a motive. The killer saw the size of the bug's dick and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds porking his wife! Come on! Now, kiss and make up! Excuse me. I'd like to ask you a few questions. This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn come down here and see me talking to you or your butt, I'm history. I can keep him under control. You have to tell me who's on the Snowflake case. I can't do nothing for you on that. My hands are tied. All right, that's it! Now it's my turn! Five minutes alone, that's all I need! Better look alive. Einhorn's on her way down. Come on, now. Ace, please. What's that matter? Afraid I'll make a stink? Come on! Aguado's working the case, all right? Aguado! Good call! We're just a little busy now... ...with murderers and burglaries and drug dealers. Things like that. A missing dolphin isn't exactly a high priority. Now you've pissed him off. - Would you give me a break? - I can't hold him much longer! My boss is coming! Okay, look. We ran a check with local animal-rights groups. We checked out the taxidermists and we already checked on van rentals. So far, nothing, nathin', nada. All right? Any unusual bets being made? Of course! This is Super Bowl! - What'd you find out about the tank? - Nothing. Tire tracks, an escape route. A guard didn't see anything. - That's it? - I swear. Now will you please get out of here before I get in trouble? Thank you for your cooperation. By the way, do you have a mint? Perhaps some Binaca? Holy testicle Tuesday! What the hell is he doing here? I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Spare me the routine. I know you're working the Snowflake case. May I suggest you yield to the experts on this one? We'll find the porpoise. Now I feel better. Of course, that might not do any good. Nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout... ...while the bottle-nosed dolphin, or Tursiops truncatus... ...has an elongated beak, cone-shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about you. Your attention to detail. Listen, pet dick... ...how would you like me to make your life a living hell? Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois. But thank you for asking. Maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Alrighty, then! Excuse me. Is Greg here? Thank you! What's the password? New England clam chowder. Is that the red or the white? I can never remember that! White? Hey, Woodstock! Hey, Saint Francis, how's it going? Super, thanks for asking. I hope you're having a lovely day. Do you? Don't I? So what are you up to? Just watching the fishies. You see those blips? That's a Norwegian whaling fleet. I'm sending them new directional coordinates. They'll find Jimmy Hoffa... ...before they find any whales. Gravy! So can you still tap into the aquatic supply stores in the area? Of course I can. Why? I wanna trace the sale of equipment... ...for transporting or housing a dolphin recently. Come on, I thought you had a challenge for me. All right, we got marine winch, sling, feeder fish, 20,000-gallon tank... Wait a minute. Look here. That's a lot of equipment for a civilian. Ronald Camp? The billionaire? Billionaire and rare-fish collector. Really? That is the face of the enemy. Always trying to get his greedy hands on endangered species. Hold on. Camp is connected with the dolphins? That subgenius gave them the land the stadium's built on. And look, he's throwing another "I'm the richest man in the universe" party. Looks like it's time for me to get myself a date. I'm really going out on a limb here. His social events are strictly A-list. The date started good, Chuck, but before we got to the party, she tensed up. If you do anything to embarrass me... What? Like this? Hi, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard, sir. I'm sorry, ladies. Glad you could make it. Thank you. You look wonderful. And who is he, a friend? No, this is... This is my date. He's a lawyer. Does he have a name, or should I call him "Lawyer"? I'm sorry. This is Ace V... Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you. Congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific! One of the first lessons we learned... ...back at... ...Stanford was the growth of food- poisoning claims against wealthy-people. One could make quite a lucrative law practice... ...with little else. How is everybody feeling tonight? Very, very well, thank you. Look, honey... ...there's the hors d'oeuvres. Are you insane? There is no way that Camp stole Snowflake. What are you trying to do? Will you keep him occupied while I work my magic, please? Smooshy, isn't it? We got a few cases from my new dealer in Paris. Excuse me, Ron... ...I need to use the bathroom. I think it's the pt. Sure, it's over there. Stuff probably looks better on the way out. He wasn't feeling well earlier today. Gravy! Don't worry, Snowflake. Ace Ventura's here. Yummy! Snowflake! Here, Snowflake. I've got a snack for you. They're wonderful, aren't they? Yes, they certainly are. No matter what's going on in my life... ...I can always watch them swim... ...and be totally at peace. It's not Snowflake! It's not Snowflake! It's not Snowflake! Are you sure your date is all right? It's been an awfully long time. Who, Tom? Well, I'm sure he's fine. Do not go in there! I'm sorry. I'll have the plumbing checked immediately. Do that! If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed. I'm sorry again, Mr. Ace. What're you doing? I'm sorry, Ron. What's he doing? Let's go! Stop it! I don't even wanna know why your pants are missing! You could've cost me my job! So you found a pebble in Snowflake's tank. I'll call CNN. I found it in the filter, thank you. And it's not a pebble, it's a rare, triangular cut orange amber. What're you talking about? Tonight I saw the same stone in Camp's ring. I thought you said Camp didn't do it. No, his ring wasn't missing a stone. But whoever was in that tank had a ring just like his. Ring? What ring? The 1984 Dolphin AFC championship ring. I find the ring with a missing stone, I find Snowflake. How you gonna do that? Simple. Loser! Why don't you learn how to drive, pal? You wanna play? That stone could've come from anywhere. It could've come from... ...a necklace or a pendant, an earring. It came from an '84 AFC championship ring. Einhorn thinks it may have been an animal-rights group. You know FAN? Free Animals Now, started by Chelsea, daughter of industrialist Fisher Gamble? Over half a million members worldwide? No. Who are they? Did you know... ...they sent letters to college teams demanding the release of their mascots? What do you feed your dog? Dog food. Why? He is miserable! What are you talking about? He's very unhappy. I feel sorry for him. Bad diet, isolated environment. It's amazing he's still alive. You're just mad because your stupid pebble theory didn't work out. You can't express anger. Yeah? And you're ugly. I'm not even gonna talk to you. Would you please leave? Why? So you can beat him? Fatty! You're unbelievable! Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made. Well, why don't you cry about it, saddlebags? You like her, huh? Yeah, she's all right. Look, Melissa, I... I'm here at the North Beach Towers condo complex in north Miami... ...where Roger Podacter, head of operations for the Miami Dolphins... ...has apparently committed suicide... ...allegedly leaping to his death from his 20th-story balcony... You okay? I told you. I was in my apartment... ...across the hall. I heard a scream... ...so I called the manager. The place was empty, except for the dog. I opened the balcony door and looked out... ...splat, bang, pancake time. Okay, thank you very much. Hi there, fella. Have a bad night? So... ...animals can sense evil. Who let Dr. Doolittle in? Lieutenant, he came with Miss Robinson. This is police business. We'll let you know if the coroner finds a tick. Face it... Forget it. She's right. Besides... ...I wouldn't want someone tracing my steps, pointing out my mistakes. So... ...you don't think this is an obvious suicide, Mr. Pet Detective? I wouldn't say that. There's plenty of evidence here to support your theory. Except, of course, for that spot of blood on the railing. May I tell you what I think happened? Alrighty, then! Roger Podacter went out after work, had a few drinks, then came home. He wasn't alone. Someone else was with him. There was a struggle... ...and he was thrown over that balcony. Roger Podacter didn't commit suicide. He was murdered. That's a very entertaining story... ...but real detectives have to worry about that little thing called... ...evidence. I think I heard a toilet flush. Maybe somebody lost a turtle. Well, I... I guess I'm out of my league here. Good work. There is just one more thing, lieutenant. This woman is Roger Podacter's neighbor. She said she heard a scream. Right? And you had to open the balcony door when you came in? - That's true. - You're sure you had to open this door? I'm certain. What's the point, Ventura? Only this. This is double-paned, soundproof glass. There is no way... ...she could have heard Podacter scream on the way down. The scream she heard came from inside... ...before he was thrown off the balcony. The murderer closed the door upon going. Can you feel that, buddy? I have exorcized the demons! This house is clear. - Losers. - Get him out of here! - Losers! Losers! - Let's go, Ace. Losers. Come on. Back to the zoo. What are you thinking? This whole thing is connected, somehow. I want to find that other ring. Ace, you checked all the rings. Receipts? What about receipts? There's gotta be receipts. That was pretty impressive, what you did at the apartment. You don't have to tell me. I was there. Maybe you should've joined the police force, become a real detective. I don't do humans. You really love animals. If it gets cold enough. No, I have a kinship with them. I understand them. Wanna hear something spooky? Sure. One time when I was about 12, I had a dream that I was being followed by... ...a big dog with rabies. He had these bloodshot eyes... ...and foam came out of his mouth. No matter how fast I ran, he just kept gaining on me and gaining on me. Then just before I got to my front door... ...he jumped and sank his teeth in. That's when I woke up... ...and felt the back of my neck. Check that out. Bastard! I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself. Want to know why I do this? I'm not sure anymore. You better be sure... ...because once you get inside my head... ...there's no turning back. So... Are these all? There's only a dozen. Maybe it's in another file, in the back. Who the hell is that? What? That. Who the hell is that? That's Ray Finkle, the kicker. Don't you know who he is? Why isn't he in this picture? This was taken earlier in the year. Ray Finkle wasn't added till mid-season. He missed the final field goal in the Super Bowl that year. Cost the Dolphins the game. But he got himself a ring, didn't he? Definitely. "Replacement kicker having a great year." "Ready for Super Bowl, all-star kicker boasts." "Field goal sails wide, Dolphins lose Super Bowl." "The kick heard round the world." That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point. Poor guy. Poor guy with a motive, baby. Where is he now? I heard he went back to his hometown in Collier County. Really? You're gonna drop me off before you go? No way. You shouldn't be left alone right now. It might not be safe at your apartment. What do you suggest? Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Three times? I'm sorry, that's never happened to me before. I must be tired. Okay, I'm ready again. I'm looking for Ray Finkle... ...and a clean pair of shorts. What do you know about Ray Finkle? Soccer-style kicker. Graduated from Collier High, 1976. Stetson University honors graduate, Most points and distance. Nickname, "The Mule." The only pro athlete from here. And one hell of a model American. Are you another one of them Hard Copy guys? No, sir. I'm just a big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir. Will you put that gun down? The boy is a fan of our son. So nice to meet you. I'm Ray's mother... ...and this is Ray's father. It's a real honor! It's an honor to have you here. My Ray is so appreciative of his fans. He'll be so pleased you stopped by. Are you expecting Ray anytime soon? Oh, yes. I expect him home any minute. Would you like some cookies? I just baked them. Yummy! Ray Finkle's house. I can't wait to meet him. Ray ain't coming home. But your wife expects him any minute. She expects him home any minute. See, the engine's running but there's nobody behind the wheel. Eight years ago... ...our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental Hospital. And they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff. It was all that Dan Marino's fault. Everyone knows that. If he'd held the ball laces out, like he's supposed to... ...Ray wouldn't have missed the kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son? What do you know? They're little footballs. Laces out. When Ray gets back and starts kicking again... ...he'll never even know he was gone. I've kept his room just the way he left it. Oh, boy! What a sports nut, huh? May I? Oh, yes, by all means. Five seconds to go here in Super Bowl 17. Dolphins trailing the 49ers... ... by one. This will win the game for Miami. There's the snap. Marino holds. The kick... ... and it's high. No, it's... ... no good. Ray Finkle blew a 26-yard field goal! I don't believe it! The Dolphins lose! The Dolphins lose! The Dolphins lose the Super Bowl! - Melissa, it's Ace! - Where are you? I'm in psychoville, and Finkle's the mayor. Where's Marino? Why? He's about to join Snowflake. I've gotta know where he is! He has a commercial shoot at the Bogart Sound Stage. Call the police. Get extra security over there. Now! Ace, what's going on? Thought I left? I'm really gonna go this time. Here we go, folks. Very quiet. Action! I'm Dan Marino, and if anyone knows the value of protection, it's me. So I take care of the hands that take care of me... ...with Isotoner gloves! Cut! Again from the top. I said, cut! Guys, it's a cut! What the hell are they doing? That's a cut! - What is this, a rewrite? - Shut up! - Where'd they go? - Over there! Let's go! Excuse me, gentlemen! Pet detective! Come on! What's wrong? Can't you hit me? Have there been ransom demands? There's no communication with the kidnappers. Will the Super Bowl be postponed? The game is on as scheduled. Why weren't we told about the kidnapping? Secrecy was essential. We couldn't risk any interference. - Are the crimes related? - I'm sorry, I can't comment further. Now, if you'll excuse me... Get me the autopsy on Podacter! Aguado, send out a memo: No one talks to the press! And somebody get me some coffee! Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss a coffee! When I get out of that bathroom, you'd better be gone! Is it number one or number two? I just wanna know how much time I have. By the way, I went ahead and solved that... ...pesky Snowflake-Podacter- Marino thing. You ever heard of a former Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle? All right, Ventura... ...make it quick. I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It belongs to a Dolphin '84 AFC championship ring. It would've been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray missed the kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking paranoid, delusional psychosis. I saw the guy's room. Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lecter. So how does Roger Podacter fit in? My guess is, Finkle was snooping around. Podacter recognized him. End of story. As for Snowflake, they gave him Finkle's number, taught him how to kick a goal. Finkle took it personally. So where is Finkle now? Busted out of a mental institute. He's been plotting his revenge for years. Waiting for the perfect time to get back at them. The time when it'd hurt them most: Super Bowl time. Man, I'm tired of being right! Congratulations. You've done some fine detective work... ...Ace. I'm sorry, could you speak into my good ear? I thought I heard you call me Ace. Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you are more than just a pet dick. Your gun is digging into my hip. What's wrong? Want me to read you your rights? Maybe later. What is it? That bony little... ...Melissa Robinson? You just don't do anything for me. Down, boy! Everything okay in here? I heard some commotion. Fine, sergeant. You want me to throw him out? Why don't you throw yourself out? Yes, ma'am. Ace, I want you to leave everything to us. I can't do that, lieutenant. I was hired to find Snowflake. When we find Marino... ...we'll deliver Snowflake. When I find Snowflake... ...I'll deliver Marino. Melissa, it's Ace! What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night. You have to commit me. Finkle escaped from Shady Acres. They still have his stuff. They aren't gonna let us look around. I know. It's a good thing I'm a master of disguise. Mrs. Robinson... ...I'm Dr. Handly. Now who is it you want us to look at? My brother... ...Larry. I'm ready to go in. Just give me a chance! I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay positive. I'm gonna execute a buttonhook pattern, super slow-mo. Let's see that... ...in an instant replay. Your brother won't be the first football pro we've treated. - Is that right? - Yes, we're very sensitive... ...to the stress athletes have to endure. I'm open! I'm open! I'm open! We'll do some preliminary evaluations... ...but I think he'll fit in nicely here. Over here! Rover, sit! Hut, hut! He seems to have some difficulty letting go of the game. Has he had a history of mental illness? As long as I've known him. This is one of our therapy rooms. And we do arts and crafts out here in the courtyard. And this is the storage room. Down the hallway we have another... Halftime! He'll be fine there by himself for the next 20 minutes. I'll show you the dormitories, then. Isotoners. Obsess much? Where are you going? - To clean the storage room. - No, clean the cafeteria. I don't tell you how to do your job. The schedule says... ...clean the cafeteria. - I know what I'm doing. You should've done it earlier. Man, come on. Cafeteria, my butt! I'm cleaning in here! You take breaks too long. You smoke... Man, you're a pain in the butt! "Search called off for missing hiker." "A search ended today when rescue workers... ...were unable to find the body of Lois Einhorn." A hiker missing since Friday? Lois Einhorn? Holy moly! What're you doing out here? Get back to work! "Love, Roger"? Ace, it's E. You think the article you found was something? I got a note from Roger to Einhorn... ... thanking her for a wonderful evening. Something ain't stirring the Kool-Aid, man. Wiggles, rewind. What the hell does Lois Einhorn have to do with Ray Finkle? Come on, think! Finkle and Einhorn, in it together. How? Why? All right! Here we go. Answer's right there! Just gotta get blood to the brain! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Quitter! What do you want? I don't have any food for you. I have to have money to buy food. I have to have a dolphin to get money. Do you see a dolphin here? Let's face it... ...your master is a loser. What the? That's it. That's it! Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a man! Oh, my God! Einhorn is a man! "Your gun is digging into my hip." God! And the big story in this Super Bowl game is the abduction... ... of Miami's starting quarterback, Dan Marino. It's gotta be a strain on this Miami team, Bob... What's the matter, Dan? Aren't you having fun? I just love Super Bowl Sunday. Don't you, Dan? A magical afternoon... ...where dreams are made... ...and crushed. Look, if you want tickets, you're going about it the wrong way. Do I look familiar to you? Does it seem as if we've... ...met someplace before? I don't know. I get hit in the head a lot. Now the coin toss. Kickoff time. My favorite thing. Laces out! I made some refreshments, Dan. Would you like some refreshments, Dan? I'll be right back, Dan. I don't know how much psycho-woman's paying you, but I'll double it. Sorry. "Psycho-woman" keeps us out of prison. Snowflake, here you go. Come on. Check it out, Marino. I'm throwing passes to a dolphin. Go get some more fish! I'm gonna kill that dolphin. Lovely party. Pity I wasn't invited. Where the hell's the smelt? Unconscious. Exactly as I planned. What the hell was that? What happened? What's going on? You okay? Guess what? It's naptime! What a hit! Heads up! Who are you? Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. I've been sent with a special play: The quarterback sneak. Penalty! Too many men on the field. I warned you, Ventura. Whatever happened to "Ace"? Good question. Be careful with that phone. In time, you could develop a tumor. Aguado, it's Lieutenant Einhorn. Send some men over to the Hallandale yacht basin. I've got the kidnapper trapped in the warehouse. It's Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. Code 11 in progress, 343 Victorville Road... ... at the Palmdale basin. Officer needs backup. Suspect's name: Ace Ventura... ... should be considered armed and dangerous. It's Ace. We gotta break out of here. Is he in trouble? Don't worry, if there's one thing I know... ...there's nothing Ace can't handle. Don't kill me! Please! I'll never tell anyone, I swear. - He's who you want! Kill him! - Kill him! Kill him! He held the ball, remember? Come on, look at him! - Crybaby! - Jock! - Wimp. - Musclehead. Shut up! I think I'll kill the dolphin first. I wouldn't want you to miss that. And there's the snap. The kick! And it's good! Good to see somebody who doesn't buckle under the pressure! What would you know about pressure? Well, I have kissed a man. Of course, there's never been a more crucial kick in a Super Bowl... ... than the "kick heard around the world." I mean, it's clear to me that it was a good hold. Finkle just booted it. The laces were in! They were in! You like that? You like that? And that! And that! Having a little trouble with the lady? You don't understand... ...she's a... Get him, Lois! Get him! Get him! Shoot him! - Shoot him! - Hold your fire! Don't shoot! Put your guns down, or this cop gets it! I mean it! She's not joking! He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podacter and was about to kill Marino and me! Fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance... ...if you look up... ...professional football's all-time bonehead plays... ...you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle... ...who missed a 26-yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl 17. You wouldn't read that Finkle was committed to a mental hospital... ...only to escape and join the police... ...in a scheme to get even with Marino... ...whom he blamed for the entire thing! What are you talking about? She's not Lois Einhorn! She's Ray Finkle! She's a man! He's lying! Shoot him! Let's just see who's lying, shall we? Would a real woman have to wear one of these? Boy, that's really on there! But tell me this: Would a real woman... ...be missing these? That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend. But I doubt very much... ...if he could find the time during his busy schedule... ...to get rid of... ...big old... ...Mr. Knish! Oh, boy! Come here. Would you excuse me for just one second? Ladies and gentlemen... ...my esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino... ...brought new evidence to my attention. Now... ...history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive... ...criminal investigator can be wrong. But if I am mistaken... ...if the lieutenant is indeed a woman... ...as she claims to be... ...then, my friend... ...she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen! That's why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winkie! Good night! You've been a wonderful audience. Be sure to tip your waitress. Die, animal boy! Quick decision. Loser! You have any more gum? That's none of your business. Stay out of my personal affairs. You're a weird guy, Ace. A weird guy. Ladies and gentlemen... ... the Miami Dolphins are proud... ... to welcome back to Joe Robbie Stadium... ... our beloved mascot... ... and the star of our halftime show: Snowflake! And now... ... returning for the second half, the Dolphins' most valuable player... ... Dan Marino! Idiot! Do you know what you've done? You just cost me 25 grand, Polly. Yeah? Blow me! Really? The National Football League... ... would like to offer a special thank- you to the man who rescued Dan Marino... ... and our beloved Snowflake. A great humanitarian... ... and a lover of all animals: Mr. Ace Ventura! Get off me! Get off me! Category:Transcripts Category:Warner Bros. Transcripts